I want you to imagine this. I want you to think really hard about this. You are a child who was born on accident. Your mother is a slut and bum who while married to someone else was fucking around with another man. Your father. Who in turn took no responsabilty for your birth. Your mother leaves her current husband and marries another man. For the first 3 years of your life you are locked in rooms with nothing in them. The lock is on the outside. You are trapped in a room while you hear your mother crying while being beat and abused. Your mother decides that she isnt fit to take care of you so she decides to leave you in the care of your grandmother. Your grandmother has spite for letting your mother become the way she is. A drug addict and bum and slut. So your grandmother decides to take care of you in the most constructive way possible. She hurts you mentally and physically. Sometimes at night you hear her talking with your grandfather about how if you werent around shed be rich. She tells you when your 7 years old about how your mother is a slut and fucking around with different men. Your not aloud to have friends over. You are trapped in your house all day. You have the most difficult time being friends with anyone. People look at you funny and treat you like shit at school. You are an outcast. Your grandmother continues to hurt you in ridiculous ways. She shoves nail polish down your throat for not cutting your nails. She hits you with chairs for looking at her when shes mad. This continues on until middle school. Youve mad friends with other outcasts who are assholes just like you. Then… you meet a girl. She treats you differently. She makes you feel special. Feel loved. You start to fall in love. But she is with someone and she kindly stays your friend. You fall into a depression. You loose all your asshole outcast friends. You are alone. In comes High school. You have no one. You start to act like a lapdog who takes shit from everyone just to make friends. High school is horrible. You come home from school to only get hurt by who is supposed to care for you. Your mother comes to your house asking you for money. asking for food. in comes college. Your grandmother gets sick of you. You decide to live your life instead of going into the military. You end up getting kicked out. You live on the streets for a while. You feel like shit like youve turned into your mother. A semi friend from high school lets you stay at his house. He isnt very close and is gone most of the time. His family hates that your there. You dont eat much. You feel guilty. You try to go to college with the only money you have. You are considered a dependant so you cant get financial aid. One of your high school teachers decides to help you by paying for your books. You walk everyday to college take the trolley and go to class and fail most of your classes. You just cant seem to put enough effort in your work. Your grandmother has a stroke. Now even though she was cold to you. She was the only mother you really had. You come back and take care of her. She gets better and then kicks you out again. Before she got completely better you start to go to another college. With the help of a friend that you met during your homeless time you go to college with him. There he introduces you to her. At first you are afraid. At first you are scared. But she comes to you. She asks you out. She helps you find a new place to stay which is right next to her house. She loves you and you love her. She becomes everything. But… due to your fears. Due to your insecurities. As well as her own deep problems she starts to fall out of love. You loose her. Youve lost everything. You become thinner because your appetite is gone. You have ulcers from the stress. You walk to work every day which takes 3 hours then you walk home every night for 3 more hours. You spend 10 hours working minimum wage at a shit job in a mall. and you only work 2 times a week. You have plenty of time to think about her since you are alone. She no longer loves you and you cant do anything about it. You pass by her house everyday. She ignores your calls and your messages because youve gotten so pathetic. You decide to go on antidepressants due to the doctors suggestions. you feel emotionally numb. Your birthday comes up and the health insurance you have expires. now you have no way of getting medicine. the girl who was the brightest light in your life doesnt even want to talk to you. you go buy rope at home depot. and now here you are contemplating suicide. Your tired… tired of fighting. youve been fighting all your life. and now you want to rest. you cant make her love you…. so whats the point.
2 years ago I wrote this. I got better… But for more heartache? no… no more…
See as you know my grandmother recently passed away due to cancer. September was her birthday and I hadn’t realized how short life was till today. She would have been 64 years old… I feel like I am being left behind. I’m only 22 but I feel like everyone is passing me by. I don’t go to college anymore because I’m to busy trying to take care of myself. I recently moved back home to help take care of my little sister and help my grandfather with the house due to the bills and such. I work at a minimum wage job at the mall and only work 20 hours a week. I feel like I can’t catch up. I see all these people pursing their dreams. There is a lot I wanna do but I don’t know why I can’t do it. Its not that I don’t want to. I just give up before I start. Or I take the first step but stop running. I have ambition but no dedication. I know I get lazy, or I fear difficulty, or maybe I overwhelm myself with to many projects. I just feel like I am wasting my life. Like I am letting my grandma down. I know I shouldn’t compare to other people but I just feel jealous to people my age who are doing so well. I don’t truly know whats stopping me but I’m guessing its the lack of motivation. I don’t even know what motivates me let alone keeps me motivated. I just can’t seem to follow through on anything. I feel like I’m missing something. Sigh messaging is so impersonal. I wish I can see you but I get the feeling thats not gonna happen anytime soon. Maybe I left a bad impression or something but I cant shake off this feeling that your avoiding me.
Anonymous asked:
Your blog makes me tear up; scrolling through pages leaked with heart shattering notes and messages gives me the urge just to reach out and hug you. Please remember you're so much better than the pain. You're living a story, a story that needs to be told & you need to be here for that to happen.
The pain is better than me now… This story is over. I’m done playing my part. I’ve become the villain in my own story…
I am finished talking about it. About it all. I am finished with trying. Finished with struggling. I am finished with everything. This loneliness is to much for me… And nothing I’m doing can fill this gap I have. I just can’t see the light. No matter how hard I try to… I just can’t see it… I give up… I can’t do this. This emptiness. This void… I don’t know why but I just can’t function without her in my life. I need purpose. I need satisfaction. I need contingency. I am a wreck…
I can’t take it. I can’t. This loneliness is drowning, consuming, this world is to much. I can’t take reality anymore. I can’t take this. I can’t… I feel empty to a point of no return. Where insanity is my only friend. The world is a constant paradox of inconsistencies and emptiness. I can’t hold the weight anymore. I can’t…
My heart is not in it. I’m starting to think life isn’t good for my health…
“If you were to see her one last time what would you say?”
Well number one that statement in itself wouldn’t work.
“and why is that?”
Because that would mean it be the last time. And I don’t want there to be a last time seeing her. If anything I’d say that.
If its the last time it probably be my choice. I’d probably pull the trigger. I don’t think there would be enough time to say what I want to say. To do what I want to do. I don’t think she’d even give me the chance to say. The chance to explain. I don’t think there would be enough heart,enough communication. I don’t think there would be enough vision, a chance at seeing her would blow my heart out of my chest. I’d probably die from that sinking feeling you get. When you know somethings coming that you can’t do anything about. Like next weeks test. Or work in the morning. Or a bill you need to pay. What would I say?
I’d say a million things and then some. I would probably not say anything at all. I would only watch and see as she’d probably would pass me by. Even ignore or reject me. I don’t know what to say. There are no words… no explanations… A million moments… a million feelings…. I don’t know. I’d go crazy. Crazier. I’d dream about this moment. Knowing that it will probably never come. I’d cry it out. I… I don’t know what to do or say…
I don’t know what to do…
I don’t know…
But I am tired of these stories… I don’t want them. I just want her…
Anonymous asked:
Four years with him and we're still in the same place. We are both 21 and still living at our parents' homes. We are going nowhere. He wants to move in together in about 2-3 years, but I want to be married first. I'm tired of waiting and I'm tired of trying to explain that to him. I love him... but what do I do? He doesn't seem to understand my wishes to be married first. I know he's atheist and doesn't get the marriage thing, but how do I explain it in a way to make him understand?
I’m sure he obviously knows that its significant to you. The thing he probably isn’t seeing is a sense of urgency or a future of planning. I can’t speak for him as I don’t know. But you just need to be upfront and as clear as possible. Tell him exactly what you need to tell him. What needs to be done. Or what is bothering you. I don’t think you’d beat around the bush or be afraid to let him know. But if he understands your sincerity on the subject then maybe he can be more confident in his own decisions. Who knows… he might be waiting for the right time. Or the right moment. Only you know him. So you know what matters to him. Or you understand his personality. If anything let him know that you are tired of waiting. I don’t want to endanger your relationship but if you aren’t happy then you should decide on your own priorities. If he gave you his heart to begin with then I don’t see why it would bother him to get married. But you also need to be sensitive to how he might feel or if something is bothering him about marriage. Talk it out.
